The Can Opener Wars

AAAGGGGHHHH!!!! The can openers are in rebellion. Unlike some of their colleagues who are never on hand when you need them, the can openers are always where they are supposed to be. Only they don't do what they are supposed to do.

We have been limping along with our old can opener at half mast for I don't know how long. About three weeks ago it finally gave up the ghost altogether, and I finally broke down and bought a new one. Actually I bought two. How did I know??? Well...I just had a feeling.

And a good thing that was. The very next day when I came home, D rushed at me breathlessly confessing, "I'm sooo sorry! I broke your new can opener!!!" She held out her hand, and there it was, in three pieces. But remember, I had bought a backup, so she had been able to continue dinner preparations with the other new can opener which we used, with a measure of success, for the next two or three days when it, too, bit the dust.

I packed those things up, returned them to MoreMart, bought another can opener, and back to the kitchen I went, where I successfully and uneventfully opened a number of cans. My troubles were over! But not for long: It took only three or four days for this one to succumb to the siren song of its comrades, and before I knew it, we were again can opener-less, approaching the Red Alert level in the Can Opener Wars.

Have can openers always been this rebellious? They don't feature prominently in my memories, so I can't say for sure, but I'm thinking that may be an indication of a job well done and without a lot of fanfare.

My fourth can opener in as many weeks looks a bit fancier, with stainless steel handles, but...can it live up to its image? It doesn't look promising. So far it has managed to cut the cans, but not without a lot of slipping and sliding on every other turn of the handle, so it probably won't be long before it joins the ranks of the fallen.

My man says we should buy an electric can opener. I balk. As long as I don't have a broken hand or something, I don't find it that difficult to grip with one hand and turn with the other. Besides, I enjoy the simple things in life, and I am already out-technologied as it is. No need to introduce something with that many more moving parts to break down.

What I could really go for about now is one of those sharp little blades the Boy Scouts used to take on their campouts. Wow, I wonder where I could get my hands on one of those? That might tip the odds in my favor!

I need some sort of break in this hostile engagement, because so far...
Can Openers: 4; Me: 0.