On the Gulf with Gustav

Well...not exactly. That would be the cruise before us.

Our trip, which was to have been the five-day cruise with calls at two glamorous ports, was instead, coutesy of Gustav, the three-day Cruise to Nowhere. Really. Rather than disembarking (debarking?) in exotic foreign places, we floated around out there, one "Fun Day at Sea" following another. A Fun Day at Sea consists of all manner of activities, sublime and ridiculous. Activities whimsical, physical, comical, or informational, take your pick.

Now about the food...It's true what they say about the food on a cruise: it is limitless. There may be two or three hours out of a day that you can't find a place to eat~perhaps between the hours of 3am, when the Gala Midnight Buffet shuts down, and 6:30am when the serving of breakfast begins. But don't worry. If you just can't make it that long, give the 24-hour room service a call.

And let me tell you, you aren't going to find any chicken-fried steak or fried okra or black-eyed peas or pinto beans on this menu. None of that "down-home" stuff. Try lemon curried lentils and Caribbean pepper pot. Grilled portobello mushrooms, tiger shrimp cocktail, pumpkin soup, charred corn, tempura veggies, and poached salmon. Even the lowly potato takes on the scent of rosemary. On the salad bar ~ a veritable garden: veggies fresh and pickled and marinated, lettuce in endless variety, dressings and toppings galore. And for dessert: mango cake and tiramisu, cheesecake in many flavors of both fat-free and yummy versions, coconut cake, banana cream pie, jello, and pudding, 24-hour ice cream and frozen yogurt, orange cake, and apple pie with ice cream. That's the sort of thing to find on the cafeteria-style line, and if none of that suits you, well, try the pizzeria, the deli, or the bistro. Or the grill, where you can get backyard fare of hamburgers, hot dogs, french fries, onion rings, sauteed onions, and the like, just outside the door by the big pool.

To drink: iced tea, coffee, lemonade, fruit punch, apple juice, orange juice. Really, the onliest thing they didn't have was...water. Well, they had water, but...well, ick.

That's the menu on the casual Lido Deck. If it's the fancy stuff you want, go to one of the dining rooms where you will be served by a staff of attentive, impeccably-mannered waiters, uniformed in vests and ties, who will serve your drinks in elegant stemmed glasses, and bring you menus of starters and entrees and desserts to die for. Some nights they will even dance and sing for you, and when they come marching and clapping down the aisles, it is hard not to get up and dance and clap along with them.

Did I mention the Chinatown Restaurant and the Rolls Royce Bar? You really can go from restaurant to restaurant for the duration of the cruise, and if you don't want them to have to roll you off, well...try out the gym. We opted to stay in shape by using the stairs. We walked from our cabin on the Main Deck (Deck 5) deep in the bowels of the ship up to the sea breezes of the Sun Deck (Deck 12) for putt-putt golf probably about 26 times a day. We did use the elevator on three separate occasions as a treat at the request of the Blue-Eyed Boy.

Just in case you might like to do something besides eat on your Fun Day at Sea, you can choose to swim in one of the four pools, play miniature golf, run/walk/jog on the Olympic track, play volleyball or basketball on courts totally enclosed by netting, play ping-pong or shuffleboard, or bask in the sun with a book from the ship's library. Play Bingo, or go to the beauty shop and/or the spa for the pampering of your life: hair fixes, mani/pedicures, massages. Get your portrait taken at one of the many photographer's stations set up at various places around the ship. Go to the card room for a hopefully friendly game of...whatever.

If you are traveling with a kidlet, as we were, you may want to check out Camp Carnival. They have a whole schedule of age-appropriate games and puzzles and parties beginning at 9am and going until 11pm (Shouldn't those little guys be in bed by then?)!

Need something more scheduled? Check your handy little Carnival Capers paper which is left in your cabin each evening by your devoted cabin steward, along with chocolates on your pillow, cookies with faces for the kidlet, and pillows folded into animal shapes, a different animal every night. In the Carnival Capers you will find a complete hour-by-hour listing of every activity on the ship: shows, classes, games, contests. Even menus ;-)

Oh! Don't forget gambling in the casino! I can't really speak with any authority on this, but if the jam-packed crowds and the clouds of cigarette smoke billowing out the door were any indication, this might well have been the most popular activity on board. Well, besides eating. And besides the unending army of bar staff around every corner handing out champagne, rum punch, Bloody Marys, screwdrivers, whiskey sours, wine, and the occasional "non-alcoholic fruit punch" (For more *ambiance,* try the Starlight Lounge or the Neon Bar or the Stripes Bar.).

And then there's everybody's other favorite: shopping! There were stores galore, and sellers of gold and silver chains and other jewelry in kiosks on every deck. Not being a shopper myself, I can only speculate, but there must have been some really great deals, because most of the people I met around the ship were burdened with bulging shopping bags.

Art aficionado? Go check out the Art Gallery and sign up for the drawing/contest to win a Picasso! No thanks, I think I'll pass...

If you are a night owl and can tear yourself away from the Gala Midnight Buffet, you might want to go to one or more of the shows. And don't worry about your kidlet. Just deposit him in "babysitting" (for a small fee of invisible $ on your *sign & sail* card) where you can leave him until 3am!!!

So, you see, a Fun Day at Sea really is a fun day (and night) at sea. Even for a non-smoking, non-drinking, non-gambling, non-shopping stick-in-the-mud like me. Because on a cruise, particularly on a Cruise to Nowhere, you have a luxury unmatched in your everyday life: Time. Time to sit and enjoy the timelessness of time. Without a timetable.

Wedding Bell Blues

So. S and Gi are getting married. On a cruise. Well, woe is me.

Don't get me wrong. I imagine that a cruise is a wonderful thing. Not having ever been on one before, world traveler that I am, I really wouldn't know; I'm just going on reputation. But I am getting ready to find out for myself. My man and I are invited to come along on this five-day cruise, to ports/parts unknown. If we manage to survive the getting there.

First there is paperwork. Boarding passes must exactly match birth certificates must exactly match photo ID's. Oh, your first and middle name have been reversed ? Sorry, and it's too late to change. Homeland Security regulations, you understand. But for only $50 and a few seconds of our time, we can set it right. Huh? How is $50 going to change a terroristic heart? I suspect it's not really a security issue. More like another way for them to suck a little bit more $ out of the cruising public.

Then there is the issue of how you are going to get home. Car at the pier? Friends/family picking you up? Shuttle bus to nowhere (if so, name of bus company, # of bus route, exact time of pickup)? Taxi? Why do they care? What if the friend that is coming to pick us up calls to say his car broke down, how about us hopping on the bus? Will they let us on the bus without a letter from home saying it's ok? If they are so worried about it, I think I am going to change my plans from "car at the pier" to "you are giving me a ride."

And then proper *cruise attire.* Shorts, tank tops, no cut-offs, rubber-soled shoes, casual, casual, casual. And be ready to show off your beautiful evening wear. Well, which is it?

And your *dining assignment.* Formal dining room? Captain's table? Early seating? Late seating? Midnight buffet? Bistro? 24-hour pizza parlor? I DON'T KNOW!!! How many meals do we have to eat, anyway? If I am assigned to the early seating, do I still have to hit the midnight buffet? This is just too many choices and too much information, and waaaay toooo much food!

And don't forget~this one is really important~Be sure and set up your *sail & sign* account right away. This will allow you to buy anything you want, with invisible money! All you have to do is sign...and voila'! You'll never miss what you'll never see, right? So...spend away! This convenient little account even keeps the worry about tips and gratuities from intruding on your fun. You won't ever feel awkward wondering if or how much. Instead, *they* will determine that their service merited a tip, and the amount, and it will be automatically added to your bill. You don't have to do a thing. Oh, except pay.

And of course on the home front, prepare to be gone. Stop the paper and the mail, notify the neighbors and the cops, arrange garden and dog care, clean out the refrigerator. Pack the suitcases, but first make sure you have something to pack in them. Get haircuts...don't wanna go cruising the world looking like we look. Although...we're never gonna see any of these people again ~ well, except for our family, but they've already seen the worst ~ so maybe that's one little detail we won't have to worry about.

Unchained stress...Next time somebody wants to get married I am going to suggest a quick trip to the JP. Well, there is one thing to be thankful for. Or two.... One, a lovely new ddil, and two, I'm not the mother of the bride...WHEW...!

Between My Boys

One month in, one month out. Midway between my boys, two milestone family events. One month ago, M left home with a one-way ticket to G-Company. In one month to come, S is getting married, to G. Things are definitely changing.